Orc Quest: Episode 1: It Begins

Our story begins with our heroes in need of supplies and stumbling into forbidden territory - an occupied humie village. With snow falling around them, they had no choice but to attempt interaction with the pink-skins.

The sun was setting in the distance when our greenskin wanderers filed down the narrow street. Around them, people attempted to settle in for the evening, quickly going about the business of whatever it is humies do when they aren't being krumped. Down the lane, a group of humie larva were conducting a mock battle involving compressed handfuls of snow. Justice Fist went out to hail them, but it was then the DM wondered if we could actually speak common, being tribal orcs.

This was handled via the Lamentations system, where rolls were made. As it turned out, Justice Fist could not speak common, and instead shouted at the children in his native tongue. Wagh waaahg wagh wagh! Fortunately, both Taz Dingo and Cunnin made their rolls and Cunnin tried to translate.

"Don't worry boss, I got this," he spoke in orcish, before attempting to hail the children in their native tongue. "HEY YOU SHITS!" Where Cunnin acquired his command of common is unknown. Startled by the appearance of four giant orcs shouting at them, the children ran to the relative safety of their snow-fort.

Unfazed, if confused, our brave heroes followed the larvae to their ice-cocoon, where Justice proceeded to tear the entrance open wider in order to get a better view. The small humies scurried to the rear and began to leak from their eyes. Justice tried to placate the situation by throwing silver coins at them, but an attack roll later they remained unresponsive. This lead to a spirited debate as to whether they were defective larvae, or if all humies are inherently broken. Meanwhile, Raph played with his pet pigeon.

Taz Dingo suggested that we give him a chance to handle it, and he began to invoke his tribal dance. A few hip-shaking moments later, the young female larva became confused and slightly horrified, but at least was now paying attention. Cunnin took the opportunity to ask "where the big humies at?" The trance was broken, and the girl quickly pointed down the lane before hiding back in the depths of their snow fortification. The party went to collect Raph and Cunnin used this time to show his gratitude to the larvae by repairing the damage done to the igloo. Unfamiliar with the structure of igloos, he simply kept packing snow until the entrance was sealed, providing a nice surface for humies to claw a proper entrance back out of, should they so choose.

By now the sun had passed over the horizon, and the streets were nearly empty. Fortunately, a single woman was visible in the distance. Learning from their prior mistake, they hatched a clever plan. Approaching slowly, Cunnin let out the shout "HEY YOU SHIT." The woman froze, and responded "..who are you?"

"We're not orcs, just Humies!"

She stared in confusion and disbelief. Taz Dingo attempted to add his own influence to the situation, but as he approached she spooked and ran. Fortunately, they had a Raph for just these kinds of situations. Justice belowed the order "RAPH. FETCH!" and the behemoth sprang into action, deceptively quick for his massive size. Like a charging bull, he crumpled wicker-work fences that stood in his way. The woman tripped and slid on the snow, and he towered over her, a simple grin on his face. "Hi lady."

Justice attempted to communicate with the woman, with Taz translating. Cunnin sat off to the side, by a row of hedges. When nothing managed to get past her fearful stupor, Justice threw some coins at her. That's how humies work, right? Several of which landed past her. One of which rolled past Cunnin's feet, where he stood on it until no one would notice that he pocketed it.

At this point, a group of farmers began to gather down the lane, bearing pitchforks and torches. Deciding these humies might be more useful, they let the woman go and went to meet them. Cunnin sank behind the hedge-row, taking up a position to watch. Raph stayed nearby, and Justice moved across the lane into another yard to watch. Taz Dingo happily dance-walked his way to meet the mob, power-sliding his way to their leader.

Unfortunately, these humies were quite excited about something. Or maybe angry. The two emotions are hard for orcs to distinguish. The first exchange was too fast and loud for the orcs to follow, but Taz managed to calm the situation down, "HUMIES. You are speaking HERE. I need you to bring down to heeeere."

Shocked that the superior greenskin lords spoke their lowlie human tongue, he stammered, stepping back with pitchfork leveled in Dingo's direction. After a bit, it became obvious that they were concerned for the whereabouts of the larva. Taz shouted a translation of this information back and Justice advised him to inform the humies that they had already paid the larva, assuming this to be the source of tension.

In translation, this information was conveyed as "We paid for them, they are ours now."

We rolled initiative, as the farmer makes to thrust at Taz.

Cunning loosed his crossbow, which goes harmlessly wide and largely unnoticed.  Justice came over a hedge wall, shield first, crushing a farmer beneath the combined weight of his shield and body. Raph charged forward and with a cestus reduced a farmer's face to a fine red mist. Unfortunately, none could get to the farmer in time to prevent Taz being speared through the chest. Taz fell backwards, gasping in slow motion, and sputtering "Remember.. me..."

The melee began in proper. Cunning parkoured his way over the hedgerow, past a fence and around back of another house, moving into a flanking position. Justice proceeded to tussle with another farmer, but after a series of failed rolls began to wonder of Gruumsh had forsaken him. Raph, enraged by the sight of Taz being skewered, WAAAGHed, trampling one farmer and destroying another almost by accident. One brave farmer gathered his wits long enough to thrust his torch at the giant, burrying it in a distinctly uncomfortable place and eliciting a howl from the beast. Another farmer ineffectually attempted to fend himself off from Justice, but could not manage a solid blow. Cunnin came to the aid of his giant friend, sneaking up and shanking the farmer from behind.

Raph tore into the farmer responsible for stabbing Dingo, grabbing him by the throat and snapping his neck, using the body as a bludgeoning weapon to crush a second hapless farmer. Justice finished off the farmer before him, but Cunnin's target was still standing and turned and landed a harsh blow across his face. A brutal exchange followed, with the final farmer laying dead.

Taz was gravely hurt, but through the powers of gruumsh, Justice laid on hands and staunched his sucking chest wound. Crisis averted, the heroes realized they were hungry and began to wonder where the larva had gone. By right of conquest, they now belonged to the orcs.

"Don't worry. They're on ice. They'll keep."

Fortunately, they were still sealed within the ice dome. Cunnin proceeded to use his short sword as a can-opener, prying open the roof of the igloo. Inside, the three small humies clung to each other, leaking once more. Raph extracted them as they clung to each other - humie young are notoriously sticky - and they were carried off to the nearest building, which Justice set on fire for warmth.

Of the three children, the young female struck Cunnin as familiar. He quickly decided it was the spawn of the farmer that had struck him. Immediately, he laid claim. Unfortunately, Taz contested this claim, arguing "we had a moment, earlier."

This was to be settled in the ancient tradition of their people. An eye-poking contest.

A quick scuffle occurred, and Cunnin was blessed by Gork and Mork, winning through an act that was both brutally cunning and cunningly brutal - shoving an elbow into Dingo's chest wound in order to distract him for the eye-poke. His prize won and the matter settled, they went to bask in the warm light of the burning building in the middle of town.

And this is where we left our heroes, with nothing that could possibly go wrong.

Until next time,